1. In terms of comfort level, fat dudes are basically the third pillow with a di_ck. Dating a Big ‘N’ Tall essentially doubles your thread count, and you will recline nightly on a luxurious man-cloud.
2. His largeness makes you feel like petite like a ballerina. Which is especially nice if you’re constantly either farting or tripping over wires, like a friend of mine who is me.
3. You can eat whatever you want in front of him without being self-conscious. Snuggle inside a bed-size cheese burger if you want, never a fu_ck will he give.
4. If he was teased as a kid for his weight, he may be uncommonly emotionally perceptive when it comes to other people’s feelings. Which ultimately made him a wonderfully sensitive boyfriend/human. Thanks, shithead kids!
5. He looks like Paul Bunyan in flannel. I don’t care if he works at a tech startup and can’t throw a football. Get him to wear a red plaid flannel shirt, and he suddenly becomes a rustic woodsman with a rough childhood who will do things like take your hand and run it along a gorgeous teak desk that he carved so you can feel the intricate craftsmanship and sense a strong erotic subtext. TRULY IT IS WITCHCRAFT.
6. Resting your head on his chest does not mean “attempting to find a semi-comfortable place on his jutting collarbone.” It is awkward snuggling with skinny fellas you feel their bones piercing into you.
7. He’s not one of those image-conscious bro-y gym rats whose only friends are the commentators on bodybuilding forums. And he won’t leave those ridiculous vats of protein powder around the house.
8. Semi-related: He won’t pressure you to “be healthier.” Your entire relationship will be based around carbs and dairy, and you will be so much happier than you were with that dude who was so obsessed with eating clean that he had the trans fat percentage of French fries tattooed on his body.
9. His presence generally has a calming effect. If you’re a nervous flyer and you forgot your Xanax when you were packing, I hope you brought a husky. He has that delicious musky scent of a man. No husky man has ever worn Axe Body Spray, and that’s a fact.
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